What I Learned From Hating MyselfIf I looked in the mirror right now, I could probably pick out a handful of things I hate about myself. The fact that I gained weight, my loss of individual identity, my creative drive… While I think about these things, I try not to hate myself for them because it only lowers my vibration and eventually, it will dip so low that it will put me in a full-blown depression again. Self-hate is really an ugly thing that never goes away; much like depression, you just learn to keep it quiet. Choosing to be happy is all you can do. And all those things you hate about yourself? You must make active, positive change or they will haunt you forever.

Admittedly, I’ve neglected myself for well over a year. I’m always thinking about work or others and started to feel guilty when I wanted to do things for myself. I’m on hiatus from the show I work on right now and I was so excited to have time for myself. Quiet. Uninterrupted Nikki time. I know damn well that my head isn’t where it should be, my body needs attention and my creative energy needs an outlet. This is the perfect time to be selfish, so why am I still having trouble with this? Because there is a little voice inside me that’s nagging “why would you take all this time to work on you and write and do things solely for you?” That little voice is not allowing me to suppress my self-hate and heal myself.

When I’m at work, I’m worried about my team, the client, and the final product. Almost a year of worry to produce a TV show. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but that’s my life… consumed by worry for other people. When I’m home, I worry about spending time with my boyfriend and making sure things are great at home. Well, when the fuck do I get to worry about me? When do I get to say, “I’m doing THIS thing that I love, ALONE.” Now. I’m doing it now. I’m unplugging all that worry and diving straight into me because if I’ve learned anything from hating myself, it’s this… If you continue to hate yourself, other people will start to hate you too. It’s all about the energy you give off. I was once a spunky, super fit, creative person and now, I’m a shell of myself. Again.

I’ve learned that hating my body won’t change it or how I feel about it. And before I can have fun working out with other people again, I have to be comfortable and motivated to do it on my own. Once I’m in the flow, life gets a little bit easier. Working out is truly the best anti-depressant and while I value having people around me to try to raise me up when I’m down, sometimes an 8 mile hike by yourself is the best thing for you. When I think about to first moving to Los Angeles, I know that all those walks and hikes alone changed me. They didn’t just change my body; they changed my mind. In that solitude, I let go of self-hate and focused on positive change.

I’ve been through so much in the past seven years that I’ve learned to embrace change, but I also know when I’m losing valuable parts of me that I want back. Much like depression, self-hate changes how you feel about things, including your identity. Lately, I’ve felt like it was telling me “cheerlearder schmeerleader… you’re really just a miserable bitch on the inside.” Self-hate makes me and you doubt everything about ourselves, including our identities. Well, I’m not. I’m a person that loves to build up others, try new things and push myself to the limit. What I’m not is a couch potato, no matter how much my self-hate would like to convince me… So I hope that part of me is ready to see the sun, the mountains and the beach. I have 2.5 months to flip that evil part of me the bird.

What bothers me the most is my lack of creative juice. I’ve been working on multiple books and programs for the past year and when I finally have time to dedicate to it, I start hating on myself for having passion projects. But, why can’t we as humans do more than one thing? I guess we’re conditioned to get a job and that’s what you do until you die. Well, I’d rather not. I want to produce TV, write, coach and be all around free. My self-hate will not distinguish the flame that is my gypsy soul. I refuse to hate on myself because I’m a free spirit. Self-hate is a dream killer. Plain and simple.

If I’ve learned anything over the past few years it’s that we, as women, are STRONG. We really are. We can hate on ourselves hard, but we can also love ourselves just as hard. We need to start picking love. Hate and Love cannot survive together. Hate will always try to sneak back into our minds, but we can create such strong barriers of love that it will not penetrate. What I’ve learned from hating myself is that love needs to be active and present in our personal lives, not just what we show to others. When love is active and present, we fall back into our old ways and then have to start over again.