I'm Much Happier Just Being Me!
I’m Much Happier Just Being Me!

Once upon a time, I was obsessed with getting into Playboy Magazine. The recent news of their rebranding brought back a flood of memories. While living in Los Angeles, many girls tried to get into that mansion. Whether it was for Fun in the Sun, the themed parties, or to test for the magazine, the Playboy Mansion was an exclusive club where you were judged on your looks to gain admission. I was one of those girls. Thanks to E!’s reality series The Girls Next Door, the magazine and lifestyle was painted as glitz, glamour… and of course the Dzcelebration of the female body. Hugh Hefner was an icon and models and girls next door, alike, coveted the pages of his magazine. Coming to Los Angeles as the fat girl, I knew that I would have to lose a lot of weight and completely change myself. I’m here to tell you today, that this whole process was and is disgusting and you should never base your worth on something like this.

While I was losing weight, I had a photo of Jessica Burciaga hanging on my fridge. Any time I would go to the fridge, it would make me question if I was really hungry or not. If that isn’t a sick form of torture, I don’t know what is. I love Jessica and still follow her on instagram, but we do not have the same body type and to think we would was a lapse in judgment on my part. After whittling myself down to 115 lbs, which to my defense, wasn’t always an unhealthy way of doing things, I submitted photos to the magazine. I waited weeks… and then finally a response! I don’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something to the degree of:

“Dear Nicole, while we at Playboy find you beautiful, you’re not what we’re looking for right now. Please feel free to submit again in the future.”

I didn’t understand. I was the girl next door. Perfect blowout. Slender. Natural Boobs. Having lost weight, I knew I could do anything if I put my mind to it! So why not cut my calorie intake down to 1000 or under… I mean, It was all in the name of Playboy. If you could get into Playboy, you were considered one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.


At 108 lbs, I submitted again, and received a similar response. I was crushed, but through some crazy Hollywood networking, I was put in touch with Sam, one of their casting directors. I was to audition in person. Looking back at this, I find itabsolutely crazy that I went and stood in front of room of strangers for them to judge my body–A body that they had no idea that I had changed and worked so hard for. I somehow managed to get on his casting list for projects that would pop up, but never really followed up on them. I think at that point, I felt too judged. Was this really about celebrating the female body? Or was it a magazine of bleach blonde, fake boobs and lip injections? For someone that was a fan of the magazine for awhile, I saw a definite shift in the types of girls that were getting into it. I didn’t fit the new mold and I became completely fine with that.

The point of this blog is not to bash Playboy or the girls in it. I wanted everyone to see that I too worried about what others thought of me and my body for a very long time. At the end of the day, there is you. You need to look in the mirror and see your own successes and hard work. You need to look in the mirror and see and know that you are beautiful. You need to look in the mirror and know you are worth so much more than the people around you will ever know. Don’t kill yourself for someone else. And definitely don’t let your life revolve around some 90-year-old judging your naked body for a magazine spread. Now that I’m older, I see how creepy this whole thing is. I mean… really creepy. Sexiness and beauty isn’t about being naked for the world to see. I believe that true beauty and sexiness is achieved by being conservative and reserved for that special someone in your life.

Your body is a temple. Treat it as such.