Conclusion: Juice Cleanses are for People Who Hate Themselves & Like to Suffer for their Food Sins
Trigger Warning — Lots of cursing to follow…
I hate to admit it, but I’m super LA. I love soul cycle and going to brunch in trendy neighborhoods, I work in entertainment, I have a plant based diet, I love getting massages and other spa like services… The only thing I haven’t done that would really solidify just how fucking LA I’ve become was a juice cleanse. Based on my lifestyle, I thought this was going to be so up my alley! A hardcore reset. It’ll be great for me. I love juice. Well, after 5 days, I’m pretty sure that juice cleanses are for people that hate themselves and like to suffer for their food sins.
For the most part, I eat really clean. I have a vegetarian diet, I love to cook, and even when I order out, I order something healthy. Problem? Working in Post Production, I stress eat like a motherfucker and I eat things I never eat outside the office… CANDY. Why am I pounding Reeces cups like they’re going out of style?Even when we order in, no matter how healthy it is, I don’t know what’s in my food. How much oil did they use? Is there too much starch in this? The things I can control in my kitchen are a guessing game. So, over the past few months, my body has plateaued — always feel and look a little bloated (inflammation) — and it also started craving sugar. NO BUENO.
So, back to my bright idea. “A hardcore reset! I’m going to do a juice cleanse”! It’ll help with inflammation, kickstart my metabolism again, and help me stop craving sugar. This sounds fucking amazing! Yessss, let’s do it! Detoxify meeeeee!!! I ordered a 5 Day Cleanse from Chef V. I chose this one because other than 4 16oz juices a day, it included 2 protein shakes and a soup per day as well. A little more sustenance than your traditional juice cleanse, so I was sold… fuck. my. life.
2 hours into my day, I got a migraine. Want to know why? You’d never know that caffeine was a legit addiction until you don’t have it like normal. I was literally going through withdrawals. Best part? I decided to start this fuckery on a Thursday, so I was in the office. Headache, body aches, and hangry. Around 4pm, I broke down and got a salad with no dressing from a restaurant across the street. I ain’t sorry about it. Not a goddamn bit. The only saving grace of the day was that I didn’t get the cleanse shits my coworker kept warning me about. I really do try to see the positive in every situation. Not shitting myself at the office is it.
The headache continues and my hunger pangs were actually worse. I guzzled water to keep my mind off of it. “Power through. Your stomach is going to shrink. The first few days are the worst. You feel like shit now, but come Tuesday you’re gonna be a new woman.” and all the other bullshit I was trying to convince myself of. Salad happened again… and some guacamole and chips. Still not sorry. Being around people was a nightmare; I was slightly homicidal, so putting some actual food in my mouth probably prevented me from going to jail. Something about being hungry and having to piss every 20 minutes makes a girl a little crazy.
An unfortunate outburst of hangry sass…
**eating the guacamole”
Co-worker – Should we be a good friend right now and try to stop you?
Me – I think you should mind your fucking business
Thank God it’s Saturday. This will be so much fucking easier when I’m home and don’t need to expel energy. WRONG-O. It was about to be day 3 of the caffeine withdrawal headache, but I decided to end the bullshit charade that I’m strong-willed and in charge of my body. I marched my ass to Starbucks and got a venti iced coffee. The headache was gone within 10 minutes. I had my juice and protein shake, but I also had an egg white omelet and a salad. I thought to myself, numerous times, that if I had done the 3 day cleanse, I’d be done with this fucking torture, but NOOOOO… I just had to do the 5 days. Fucking idiot.
There was no pretending that I wasn’t having my morning coffee. That hot bean water is my goddamn life force. Sue me. The win of the day was that I didn’t want to chew my friggen’ arm off or jump out of my skin. For once, I didn’t feel like I was starving myself and was able to follow the program with only the addition of an apple and some roasted brussels sprouts.
The last day. On a Monday. Back in the office. I was so even keeled, full of energy, but still sad that I couldn’t go out to lunch with my officemates. However, I knew that I was feeling good because I was, more or less, sticking with the cleanse. I actually wore a dress to work, decked out with jewelry, heels and makeup. Clearly, something was making me feel like a queen… maybe it was the green juice or may be it’s because I knew it was the last day of this shit. I’ll never really know.
While the cleanse was un-fucking-pleasant to say the least, I did notice quite a few perks and positives. I was less bloated. I had more energy. I wasn’t craving sugar. I was sleeping better. My skin was clearer and my hair didn’t feel as dry. I also knew what it was like to be uber hydrated. So, yes, while I didn’t follow all the directions to a T, I reaped the benefits. All of Chef V’s juice, protein shakes, and soups tasted amazing though. I don’t want to discredit her products because they were honestly great… but I did find out that I’m not LA enough to ever do a juice cleanse again. I’d rather be raw vegan than ever drink that much liquid again. 5 days of an angry body is just too much for this girl.
If you think you can do it, get a Chef V Juice Cleanse HERE.