Why Gaining Weight Back Was a Blessing in Disguise

 

Have you ever put on an outfit that feels really good, but when you see a photo or walk past a mirror you say, “what was I thinking?” That’s how I feel when I look at most of my weightloss photos from a few years ago. I’m a 5’1, curvy Cuban girl who whittled her way down to 108lbs and a size 0 because that’s that society told me to do. That’s what Hollywood was throwing in my face every day, even though I’m a producer and not on camera. Listen, health wise, I was way too heavy at 175lbs, but I started placing my beauty and self-worth on a number and size that doesn’t mean anything. After a while, it started to get me in trouble. I was under-eating, working out 2-3 times a day, taking diuretics, laxatives…. If it was somewhat safe, I was doing it to stay lean and get into a size zero.  I did and guess what? I still wasn’t happy.  After my career took off and I didn’t have all day to focus on food and the gym, I gained weight back, but it was a blessing in disguise.

Initially, as I watched the weight creep back on, it put me into a depression. How could I let this happen? After all that hard work… I was devastated. What also didn’t help the situation was my then boyfriend. I remember distinctly the first and only time he told me I was beautiful was on our first date. I needed to hear it when I couldn’t feel it myself, but appearance was very important to him. I felt his disappointment that I was no longer the woman he started dating. My workouts, when I had the enthusiasm to do them, were for him, not me. I started killing myself for all the wrong reasons again, but this time, I realized it and stopped. My body, my beauty, is about me, how I feel, no one else… I need to love me for me and the right guy will love me for me.

It’s been 5.5 years since I first lost the weight, gained it back and then lost weight again. The difference in this last attempt at changing my body is this: I workout and eat right because I love myself, not because I hate myself.  I shifted my mindset so that I could really evoke positive change, but also maintain realistic goals.  I had to face the facts—my heritage gave me hips and tits and they’re not going anywhere. People literally pay to have my curves! I like cupcakes, so if being able to eat them means I’m a size 4, give me all the cupcakes. What I find fascinating is once I healed years of metabolic damage, started eating balanced meals and doing shorter workouts, my body found a happy place.  I maintain a size 4 without trying very hard. Our bodies are awesome like that.

I study a lot of different diets and workouts. Being educated is part of the battle when it comes to weightloss and gaining muscle. Now that I’m older and smarter, I pick up weights, rather than sweating through hours worth of cardio. Muscle is what keeps the fat away. I make sure I get 10,000 steps a day, which is a little over 4 miles. Do I have excess weight? Yes. Do I want to be leaner? Yes. BUT, I want to take my time and do things the right way. I want to love myself every step of the way and for the first time in my life, I can say that I do. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see flaws, I see a badass bitch that slays! I see how beautiful I am despite what society tells me.  It also doesn’t hurt that my current boyfriend tells me that I have the body of an 80’s Marvel superhero. It feels good to be Wonder Woman (Sorry, Marvel, I’m a DC girl).

Life is about the ebbs and flows. Nothing is sure, nothing is permanent and sometimes we take steps backwards in order to take leaps forward. I’m finally leaping forward and it feels really good. I know so many women struggle with weightloss and body image issues, so I wanted to share my story about gaining weight back, which happens more than people are comfortable talking about. I really hope that if you’re struggling with weightloss, weight gain, eating disorders or anything else that makes you feel poorly about yourself, that you take a step back to seek lessons, acknowledge blessings, and start loving yourself again. Do all things though love, especially when it comes to your own bodies. You’re beautiful just the way you are.

Check out my video:

Body Positivity at Every Shape and Size